Pitch On Workshop Critique: SN

Welcome to the Pitch On Workshop! When you have time before October 14, please take the time to go to the participating blogs (list here) and critique the pitches.  All critiques will be entered to win either a 10 page critique or a query critique. (Details here).  If you are interested in having your pitch workshopped, it's not too late to sign up!

Here's Stacey's Pitch:

Title: FORGET-ME-NOT
Genre: Light Science Fiction
Word-count: 76,000
Pitch:
Seventeen year old Anamae accidently activates secret technology, which causes her to blink into and out visibility. Its use attracts an attacker, who she learns is an agent of a secret society. They suppress the knowledge of technology so advanced it could be straight from a science fiction movie. Now that she knows the secret, she’s at the top of their hit list. She must fight to keep herself and her family alive.

My Critique:

This sounds so intriguing! But it reads a little stilted to me.  I have some fixes below, but I'd love more about who Anamae is and more of her voice throughout. More details about Anamae will help me connect to her and to your story.

Seventeen-year-old Anamae accidently accidentally activates secret technology, which causes her to blink into and out of visibility. Its use attracts an attacker, who she learns is --an agent of a secret society. They created to suppress the knowledge of technology so advanced it could be straight from a science fiction movie. Now that she knows the secret, she’s at the top of their hit list. She must fight to keep herself and her family alive. This last sentence is too vague for me.
 


What do you think? Leave your critiques in the comments!  I'm sure Stacey appreciates your help!

Pitch On Workshop Critique: CS

Welcome to the Pitch On Workshop! When you have time within the next two weeks, please take the time to go to the participating blogs (list here) and critique the pitches.  All critiques will be entered to win either a 10 page critique or a query critique. (Details here).  If you are interested in having your pitch workshopped, it's not too late to sign up!

Here's Catherine's Pitch:

Jennifer Strange never wanted her parents to go missing, a ghost to haunt her, or a Ghost Hunter named Marcus to tell her she is a Medium. Fifteen-year-old Jennifer believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. When a ghost tears apart her Chemistry class, Jennifer must not only face that ghosts exist but that she is the most powerful Medium to ever live. Not only can Jennifer see spirits, she can touch them. Now, Jennifer and Marcus must save the ghost before a dark wraith eating his soul threatens to devour them all.   

My Critique: 

Jennifer Strange never wanted her parents to go missing, a ghost to haunt her, or a Ghost Hunter named Marcus to tell her she is a Medium. Fifteen-year-old Jennifer believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. When a ghost tears apart her Chemistry class, Jennifer must not only face that ghosts exist but that she is the most powerful Medium to ever live. Not only can (Introduce Marcus here) Jennifer can see spirits, but she can also touch them. Now, Jennifer and Marcus must save the ghost before a dark wraith eating his soul threatens to devour them all.   I think you can make this last sentence more powerful by making it more relevant to Jennifer (maybe a little more specific?).  And I think I’d like just a smidge more about who Jennifer is at the beginning, as well.

 

Post your critique in the comments!  I'm sure Catherine appreciates your help!