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Monday, October 1, 2012

Pitch On Workshop Critique: CS




Welcome to the Pitch On Workshop! When you have time within the next two weeks, please take the time to go to the participating blogs (list here) and critique the pitches.  All critiques will be entered to win either a 10 page critique or a query critique. (Details here).  If you are interested in having your pitch workshopped, it's not too late to sign up!

Here's Catherine's Pitch:

Jennifer Strange never wanted her parents to go missing, a ghost to haunt her, or a Ghost Hunter named Marcus to tell her she is a Medium. Fifteen-year-old Jennifer believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. When a ghost tears apart her Chemistry class, Jennifer must not only face that ghosts exist but that she is the most powerful Medium to ever live. Not only can Jennifer see spirits, she can touch them. Now, Jennifer and Marcus must save the ghost before a dark wraith eating his soul threatens to devour them all.   

My Critique: 



Jennifer Strange never wanted her parents to go missing, a ghost to haunt her, or a Ghost Hunter named Marcus to tell her she is a Medium. Fifteen-year-old Jennifer believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. When a ghost tears apart her Chemistry class, Jennifer must not only face that ghosts exist but that she is the most powerful Medium to ever live. Not only can (Introduce Marcus here) Jennifer can see spirits, but she can also touch them. Now, Jennifer and Marcus must save the ghost before a dark wraith eating his soul threatens to devour them all.   I think you can make this last sentence more powerful by making it more relevant to Jennifer (maybe a little more specific?).  And I think I’d like just a smidge more about who Jennifer is at the beginning, as well.
 

Post your critique in the comments!  I'm sure Catherine appreciates your help!

8 comments:

  1. I like the first line, but then feel like the pitch goes backwards instead of forwards. The 2nd sentence also seems like “a first sentence.” What I mean is, we get her age in # 2 and are told about her life before the events mentioned in sentence # 1. The next sentence also back-tracks a little by explaining that she is “the most powerful medium” but you already told us she was a medium, so I’m not sure that bit is necessary. The premise sounds exciting, but I think you could make the short pitch a bit more smooth—starting with your first sentence, then something like, “Even though she . . .” if you want to provide some context, and then get to the main conflict.
    I hope that helps! It sounds good and I want it (and you) to succeed!

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  2. Very interesting concept, I like it.
    So a few points about the actual pitch.
    The second sentence actually sounds to me like where the pitch should start. I think it's a stronger opening.
    You also have 'not only' repeated too closely that it doesn't flow right. But I love the line, 'when a ghost tears apart her chemistry class...' it just gets a really strong response from me, in that it makes me want to read more.
    I think that it gets weaker after that, for example I don't think you need the line about, not only can she see ghosts but she can touch them too, it doesn't feel like it adds anything. You could use that space to introduce Marcus there.
    Overall I think there is major potential, I just think the wording could be tightened up to make it read more smoothly. Hope this helps.

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  3. Hi Cat!
    I like your pitch for the most part! The last line is really gripping. The first line is a little off to me...I mean, who wants their parents to go missing? I might start with the Ghost Hunter telling her she is the most powerful medium to ever live, and put these things that stand in her way in the middle of the pitch. I say these things like I am some expert on pitches, but there you go.

    --Julie Hutchings
    Running Home

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  4. The idea is exciting so that is a good start, and I think there are some strong moments like mentioning what happens in the chemistry class.

    I have to admit, I agree with what others have said anout the first line. The information provided is good, but maybe play with a new way to introduce some of that, and save it for after the current second line.

    Also, I'm with N.S. concerning makig a little more room for meeting Marcus or some more explanation on who he is. His mention just feels a bit abrupt and leaves me hanging right now.

    The story sounds really fast paced and a bit haunting. Nie pitch and good luck :)

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  5. Hello Cat,
    You had me at "dark wraith eating his soul". Clearly a dark, ever-so-dark YA paranormal, I would drop the first line, make the 2nd the first, explain WHY she is the most powerful medium alive (is she a legacy? Mother, grandmother, etc?) and why Marcus and she need to help the ghost. But make no mistake, you had me at dark wraith. Best of luck!

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  6. Great premise. I think this could be a little more consise, though. Also, the first sentece was a little confusing. Maybe try to re-word. Good luck!

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  7. I remember reading your pitch or query somewhere else...and this gave me more. I LOVE the "more", but agree with a lot of the comments. I also think line 2 is a stronger start, and love the imagery of the Chemistry class.

    Here is my suggestion, take it for what it's worth. lol (and it is still over by two words too!)

    Fifteen-year-old Jennifer believes in measurable facts, not in the occult. After a ghost tears apart her Chemistry class, Jennifer must accept that not only do ghosts exist, they have a specific interest in meeting her. Ghosts aren't the only ones. Ghost-hunter Marcus seeks her out bearing the news that she is the most powerful Medium to ever live. Now, Jennifer and Marcus must save the ghost before a dark wraith eating his soul threatens to devour them all.

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  8. Catherine, I love the fact that you have a dark soul eating wraith in your story. I have one in my novel. Devouring souls is as bad as a bad guy can get. In regards to your pitch I wasn't sure if Jennifer and Marcus cared about the ghost? and I wasn't sure if the wraith was devouring the ghosts soul? The missing parents leave a hole. So I think the best feedback is that you maybe have too much going on. Focus on her discovering that she is a medium, any tension she may have with Marcus, why she needs to get involved - the wraith needs energy to fuel its immortal life and losing all their souls is huge stakes, have the parents been taken by the wraith? What powers does she have as a medium - why is she the strongest that's ever lived. These are just questions to share with you what I am curious about and the fact that you have aroused curiosity means you have a great story to pitch. Good luck.

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