Welcome to the Pitch On Workshop! When you have time before October 14, please take the time to go to the participating blogs (list here) and critique the pitches. All critiques will be entered to win either a 10 page critique or a query critique. (Details here). If you are interested in having your pitch workshopped, it's not too late to sign up!
Here's Stacey's Pitch:
Title: FORGET-ME-NOT
Genre: Light Science Fiction
Word-count: 76,000
Pitch:
Seventeen year old Anamae accidently activates secret technology, which causes her to blink into and out visibility. Its use attracts an attacker, who she learns is an agent of a secret society. They suppress the knowledge of technology so advanced it could be straight from a science fiction movie. Now that she knows the secret, she’s at the top of their hit list. She must fight to keep herself and her family alive.
My Critique:
This sounds so intriguing! But it reads a little stilted to me. I have some fixes below, but I'd love more about who Anamae is and more of her voice throughout. More details about Anamae will help me connect to her and to your story.
Seventeen-year-old Anamae
What do you think? Leave your critiques in the comments! I'm sure Stacey appreciates your help!
It's great to see a science fiction pitch. I like to share the questions that jump out at me when I read your pitch because you know your story and you may be able to weave some more answers in to ensure the reader is hooked. Secret technology that causes her to blink into and out of visibility. I'm curious about why she was near it to accidentally activate it. Does she discover it being secretly developed and then accidentally triggers etc... The technology is so advanced it what... What are the real stakes, it's much more than straight from a science fiction movie I bet. Can it be used to invade countries etc who is protecting it and why and why is her family party of this. I feel there's a great story here that you need to unveil more of so the reader is truly drawn in to the what will happen to anamae. Best of luck with your pitch.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you have a very intriguing premise here. I also like Larissa's critique. It helps to "clean up" the pitch. Your story sounds so good, but it's a bit vague...I feel like it needs more details.
ReplyDeleteI have a few thoughts:
The use of the words "secret technology" is too vague for me. I think you should put exactly what kind of technology she triggers. It will make your story clearer and more unique.
Also, if this technology is so top-secret how does a teenage girl activate it. Maybe create a setting so that the reader can wrap his/her head around that idea.
The last sentence needs stakes. I struggle in this area too, so believe me, I know it's hard to fit into a 70-word pitch...but it has to be done. We need a full hook, line, and sinker! Reel the reader in!!
Nice work so far! With a little tweaking your going to have a great pitch for a great story!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a very interesting story and I think you did an awesome job with the hook.
Really, I think Larissa's suggestions would smooth it out a bit and then you are set.
Good luck :)
Larissa, thank you for the critique. And thanks to everyone for the enthusiasm for my story. You've all given me a few things to think about. I'll ponder it and revise :)
ReplyDeleteOk I've been revising, with help from a friend. How does this sound?
ReplyDeleteSeventeen-year-old Anamae has little to remember her missing mother by. When she finds her mother’s pendant, she puts it on. But it’s actually a piece of technology that makes the wearer invisible. Triggering the pendant’s true purpose attracts the attention of The Collective, a secret society sworn to suppress technology so advanced it could be straight from a science fiction movie. Now she’s top of their hit list.
Much better! Here's my attempt at some tweaking:
DeleteSeventeen-year-old Anamae has little to remember her missing mother by, so when she finds her mother’s pendant, she puts it on. Unfortunately, it’s actually a piece of technology that makes the wearer invisible, and triggering it attracts the attention of The Collective, a secret society sworn to suppress technology so advanced it makes Star Trek look ancient. Now she’s at the top of their hit list.
I think for such a short pitch, this is good, but normally I'd want a little more in that last sentence about what Anamae has to DO (action), since this is mostly set up. But like I said, this is a short pitch, so I think it's okay (unless you can fit it into the four words left--lol).
I like the premise of this story and would advice a little more honing on the pitch. Larissa's advice is right on the money.
ReplyDeleteWow! I really like your revision of it, but also agree with Larissa's advice. Everything sounds good, except a little more explanation on what Anamae has to do might help make the pitch 100%.
ReplyDeleteLooking good! You could free up a few words by writing "When Annamae finds her missing mother's pendant, she puts it on." Since it's a YA contest I think judges will assume the characters are the "right" age. Then you would have more room to add a bit about how she's going to survive being on the hit list. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like an intriguing concept! I thought 'secret technology' sounded a little vague. If you could be more specific it could tighten the query and pull more interest for the reader.
ReplyDelete