That Succs Query and 500 words

Hey everyone! I'm posting my query and 500 words for comment for a contest (details here).  I love feedback, so lemme have it!

Query:

Dear Editor,

Fifteen-year-old Emmy Duivel believes in true love: heart flutters, first kisses, candlelight dinners, even the crazy idea that love lasts forever. Unfortunately, she's stuck in a world of non-believers--her mom and best friend’s philosophy is “men are for fun, not forever.” Invisible in their shadows and pinned under her mom’s one-night stand only rules, Emmy has kept her romance novel collection—and crush on hot classmate, Paul—hidden.

But then the school's MVP, Jake Miller, asks her out. To her own surprise, she agrees, figuring her first date is bound to be a disaster. Her mom and her best friend tell her to take it slow and avoid kissing, and even Paul warns her to be careful on the date. However, Emmy gets carried away and kisses Jake--and he almost dies. Confused and scared she finds herself being consoled by the one person she didn’t expect--Paul.

But even as things heat up between her and Paul, Emmy demands answers from her mother, who explains the devastating truth: she’s not human and there is a price to pay for it. One human life a month for the rest of her life. And to make matters worse, the one person she thought she could trust has secrets of his own that could destroy Emmy and everything she holds dear.

Finding love is hard. Finding out you can never have it, because you're a monster? That succs.

THAT SUCCS is a 50,000-word YA Paranormal. I am a member of SCBWI and a Moderator on Verla Kay's Blueboards. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Larissa Hardesty

First 500 words:

 

I stared in the mirror, wondering how Lily could possibly consider the piece of cloth she’d given me a dress.  It covered less than my t-shirt.

“Do you have it on yet?” she called through the door.  “Come on out.  I wanna see it.”

My cheeks reddened just thinking about walking out of the dressing room with the dress on.  “O-okay.  Uh, just a minute.”  I gave the hem one more tug, but it was as far down as it was going to get, which was less than five inches from my underwear and way too short for public viewing.  Then I had to tug the top again, since every time I pulled on the bottom, the top came down, too.  I give up.

I stepped to the door, when what I really wanted to do was take the stupid thing off and put my t-shirt and jeans back on.  Sadly, I didn’t have much of a choice.  If I didn’t come out, my best friend would insist, loudly, and by the time she got her way, there’d be a crowd.

With a sigh, I opened the door and stepped into the dressing room hallway.  My shoulders curled in as I tried to keep as much of my body inside the “dress” as possible.

“Oh, honestly, Emmy.  Stop hunching.  You look fabulous.”  She grabbed my shoulders and pulled them up and back so I stood straight, then she pushed me in front of the three-way mirror at the end of the hall.  “See?  You are totally hot.”

I looked, but all I saw was way too much of my own skin.

“Now all you need is somewhere to wear it.”

My eyes widened as I met Lily’s gray ones in the mirror.  “Uh, I am so not getting this thing.”

Ignoring my objections, she turned me around and sent me back to my stall.  “Now try on the skirt and tank.”

I rolled my eyes, but complied.  I wanted to go home, but it wasn’t worth the argument—I’d just end up doing what she wanted anyway.  It was a lot easier to do it, and then dump these “clothes” in the back of my closet and forget about them. 

While I changed, she talked through the door.  “So, I’ve been thinking you need to get out there.”

I tripped putting my leg into the skirt, and almost fell over.  “What?”

“You know, go on some dates.  Get out there.  Meet guys.  Act like you’re almost sixteen, not twelve.”

Wow.  Thanks a lot.  “Uh, why?”

She sighed.  “Because you’re almost sixteen, dummy.”

Another stall door closed, and I hoped whoever was in the dressing room with us didn’t go to our school.  The last thing I needed was people at school talking about me.  I shuddered.

Lily tapped on the door.  “Get that outfit on and get out here.  I need to check on something real quick.”  The purr in her voice told me what she wanted to check on was a guy.