tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post8462371568059586722..comments2023-10-09T06:18:09.186-04:00Comments on Larissa's World: That Succs Query and 500 wordsLarissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-72618206955557412212012-05-28T10:05:34.458-04:002012-05-28T10:05:34.458-04:00PS. I LOVE the title! I knew instantly what your s...PS. I LOVE the title! I knew instantly what your story was about, which I think is PERFECT for a title.Jessa Russo https://www.blogger.com/profile/07061996967428020722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-82146385306942297292012-05-28T10:02:34.563-04:002012-05-28T10:02:34.563-04:00YES! A succubus story! I sooooo want to read this ...YES! A succubus story! I sooooo want to read this book! I have NO critique!!!Jessa Russo https://www.blogger.com/profile/07061996967428020722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-53013565819733731312012-05-28T01:20:50.508-04:002012-05-28T01:20:50.508-04:00I agree with the others about the "mom and be...I agree with the others about the "mom and best friend's rule" line - I thought you were saying that her mom is her best friend!<br /><br />I really like the premise for the whole story, though! It was easy to picture the insecure teenage girl in your 500 words, and I didn't want it to stop at the end!Rebekah Loperhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09910220361720811916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-44973806865283676542012-05-28T01:00:43.921-04:002012-05-28T01:00:43.921-04:00Great query. Good luck and best wishes on the cont...Great query. Good luck and best wishes on the contest!Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-88842768515997888132012-05-28T00:27:39.709-04:002012-05-28T00:27:39.709-04:00Love love love your query, especially the ending. ...Love love love your query, especially the ending. I think it's awesome. Good luck!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-19789381659202043262012-05-27T23:04:31.809-04:002012-05-27T23:04:31.809-04:00- "her mom and best friend’s philosophy"...- "her mom and best friend’s philosophy" I agree that this part is a little confusing. Simply rephrasing "her mom and best friend both believe..." or something similar might clear things up. <br />- The dashes are a little overused, and sometimes unnecessary. Save them for when you're changing the train of thought in a sentence, otherwise they break up the flow too much. <br />- "But even as things heat up between her and Paul" I was confused as to why you started this sentence with "but" - it seems that her relationship with Paul would make her want answers even more. Also, the previous paragraph started with "But", you don't want half of your paragraphs starting with the same word. I would just drop "But even" and begin with "As things..."<br />- The first 500: I liked the scene, but it told me more about Lily's perspective on guys than Emmy's. <br />Good Luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-75431303455707735112012-05-27T19:35:33.977-04:002012-05-27T19:35:33.977-04:00I love the title.
I'm not so engaged with a ...I love the title. <br /><br />I'm not so engaged with a push-over main character, though. That may be just me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-7432743503585083342012-05-27T18:23:09.042-04:002012-05-27T18:23:09.042-04:00Great premise, great query! Your writing is great,...Great premise, great query! Your writing is great, but I'm with Sharon that the beginning was a little slow for me ...<br />Other than that, GREAT!<br />Good luck!Juliana Haygerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028869545185578038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-37565533389902412132012-05-27T16:50:26.178-04:002012-05-27T16:50:26.178-04:00Super smooth, excellent writing! I am hooked! Good...Super smooth, excellent writing! I am hooked! Good luck :)Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-57172160874056724472012-05-27T15:00:04.439-04:002012-05-27T15:00:04.439-04:00Great premise! I loved the query too. Sounds like ...Great premise! I loved the query too. Sounds like an awesome idea. I also like your writing and her voice. If I'd have to critique anything, I'd only suggest you spice up the opening a little. What relevance will it have to that cool premise of yours? I wish you the best of luck in the contest. :)<br /><br />-Tuere MortonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-62222562416700672162012-05-27T13:39:51.187-04:002012-05-27T13:39:51.187-04:00Every time I see this, it gets better and better :...Every time I see this, it gets better and better :) As you already know, I think your title is pure genius! And I also enjoy the voice so much in your first 500 that I'd keep reading even though there isn't a big hook (for me, the voice is the hook).<br /><br />The query could use a little stream-lining though, imo. Having the best friend and the mother always being mentioned together is a little awkward and confused me in some places (the very first time it came up I thought you meant that her mom was her best friend). Could you maybe cut out mention of the mom until the third paragraph? Otherwise, the query itself is strong and has a great hook!<br /><br />Best of luck in the contest :DA. K. Fotinos-Hoyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16954824461425569495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-27209363841822145502012-05-27T11:01:29.200-04:002012-05-27T11:01:29.200-04:00Very intriguing premise. Dying to know how she eve...Very intriguing premise. Dying to know how she ever has a relationship given her curse. I'd hang around for the cure:) Clever title and a clever way of using it in the query. <br /><br />It may just be me, but the dashes in the query threw me off a bit, sort of slowed down the flow. <br /><br />The voice in the first 500 was great, but the hook was missing. It may be that it comes shortly afterward, but the first 500 is all the editor will see in this contest. <br /><br />Loved your work and I'd read on. Thanks for sharing:)Gwen Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13132836346305559246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-910000091818009612012-05-27T04:18:22.150-04:002012-05-27T04:18:22.150-04:00Nicely done, best of luck with the contest.Nicely done, best of luck with the contest.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09678216576112327332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-58789052463433142392012-05-27T00:51:33.312-04:002012-05-27T00:51:33.312-04:00I enjoyed the query, and think the concept is grea...I enjoyed the query, and think the concept is great and the title quite clever. The first 500 had good voice, but was a little slow for me.Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-66536588288058093972012-05-26T22:25:51.103-04:002012-05-26T22:25:51.103-04:00Okay I'm hooked. I need this to be published s...Okay I'm hooked. I need this to be published so I can read more of it. Excellent query. Very strong first 500. I loved the line: "My shoulders curled in as I tried to keep as much of my body inside the “dress” as possible." Well done. Good luck to you in the contest! I'm a new follower of your blog! ;)Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-78259700519398296072012-05-26T10:27:39.687-04:002012-05-26T10:27:39.687-04:00Great query! Good luck!Great query! Good luck!Barbara Etlinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07190731838738606727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-91974709502460292012012-05-26T07:29:22.352-04:002012-05-26T07:29:22.352-04:00Larissa,
Great voice, both in the query and in the...Larissa,<br />Great voice, both in the query and in the first 500. Intriguing premiseStephanie Thebanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02197712437323773022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-11823929401389344082012-05-26T04:02:43.446-04:002012-05-26T04:02:43.446-04:00Great query and first 500. I'm dying to know h...Great query and first 500. I'm dying to know how she kills them. Does she suck out the breath of her boyfriends? Cool :) I thought your voice was spot on for the character too :) Good luckJade Harthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13222077919322049845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6319291603444594747.post-38281843713176360872012-05-25T19:13:48.697-04:002012-05-25T19:13:48.697-04:00Whoa, love your query letter and first 500! Sound...Whoa, love your query letter and first 500! Sounds very exciting!! Nice to meet you and good luck with the contest, fellow competitor :)<br /><br />Following along!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02000569858548717605noreply@blogger.com