I snuggle closer to Brian as the movie
ends. “See? I cuddle with you during any movie,” I say.
He snorts. “You only did that to prove a point.” Turning to face me, he moves his head down so
we’re almost touching. “I still say you
get closer to me during horror movies.”
My lips twitch at the challenge in his
voice, and I lean forward, pressing my forehead to his. “I still say I hate horror movies, and making
me watch something I hate is mean.”
“That’s me, the big meanie pants,” he
says, his voice low.
I nod, moving my mouth closer to
his. In a breath, his lips are on
mine. I lift my hands, one going to his
neck and tangling in his hair, the other reaching under his arm to his strong
back. Our mouths move together, and his
hands tighten on my shoulders.
He feels so good I lose all sense of
time. My hand flexes on his back,
gripping the muscles moving under it. He groans, and moves me, flipping my legs over his and laying me back onto the
couch.
The angle changes the kiss, makes it
deeper, more urgent. I
moan as he leans over me, one arm holding his weight off me. The other hand caresses my face, then slides
down my body, stopping at my waist.
My breath hitches as his hand reaches
the skin at the edge of my jeans. He
slowly raises his hand under my shirt, making small circles on my stomach, then
my ribcage. The anticipation makes my
heart pound. He finally reaches my
chest, softly grasping me.
Brian
breathes my name, and my stomach clenches. Then we’re both
just hands, and lips, and bodies.
I run my hands under his shirt, wanting to touch all of him.
A door slams.
“Bree?
I’m home!”
Mom. Shit.
Love the ending of this. I was all breathless with Bree, then. Oh shit!
ReplyDeleteHee! Thanks, JRo!
DeleteDamn it, Mom! LOL. This was great. I was right in the moment!
ReplyDeleteI'm entry #42 if you wouldn't mind taking a look.
I think this scene does a wonderful job with action. I love the bit about the angle changing the kiss. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteThere are just two very minor things I found that would really make this scene shine, I think.
First, I stumbled over the dialogue in the first line. It's the "cuddle in to you" that throws me off. It just doesn't sound like something someone would say. I think if you just rephrased it to say something like "I told you I liked to cuddle during any movie" or along that lines it would sound a little more natural.
I also noticed the word "moan" in there three times. Maybe rephrasing some of the sentences would allow you to cut the word out some? I do the same thing in my writing. I use the word "hand" and "eyes" like it is going out of style.
Otherwise, I think this is an awesome scene. Like some of the other commenters, I especially like how it ended. It was a great reminder that these characters were still young.
Thanks so much for sharing and good luck!
-Amber (#41)
My Kissing Scene
Thanks for the feedback! I've made some tweaks. :)
DeleteI think the tweaks made this whole piece a lot stronger. I love that he breathes her name now. Awesome stuff!
DeleteYES! I loved the descriptions and then ending, oh the ending! Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks! This made me smile! :)
DeleteOooo sexy! I love the dialogue in the beginning, and I love the descriptions of Brian's muscles. Hot hot! I too, however, was jerked out of the scene by the overuse of the word 'moan.' That's an easy fix though; just word choice! :) Good job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteJessie (#32)
Thank you! I fixed the moaning. LOL. :)
DeleteSuper sexy and loved the twist at the end! Great way to escalate the tension of the scene(and add a whole new kind of tension ; )
ReplyDeleteGood luck!! (entry #48)
Thank you, Jenny! Loved your entry! :)
DeleteI absolutely loved this one. You did an amazing job with the pacing of the scene. I was totally going "aww" at the cuteness of their opening dialogue, and then loving the building heat, and then ... argh ... Mom!!
ReplyDelete( I like your name too! ;) )
Thank you so much!
DeleteAhh I love the tension. Brought me back to my teenage years.:) Nice job!
ReplyDeleteRebecca #21
Ooh, yay! Thank you!
DeleteDarn it mom! :)
ReplyDeleteThis was well done, and what I liked best was how comfortable they seem with each other (and I'm not even talking about when things heat up). The way you write this scene, I can totally tell they've been hanging together a long time (and if not, wow did I read this wrong!)
Great job, and best of luck!
Melonie (kiss #29)
Yay! You didn't read it wrong. They've been together for over a year. Thank you!
DeleteWell this is pretty hot! :)
ReplyDeleteIt was very easy to picture the scene unfolding and you have a great voice. The ending is PERFECT! Love the interruption! The only thing I'd suggest is getting rid of "I say" in the first dialogue line because, with the action tag, I don't think you need it.
Great job and good luck!
Jennie (#49)
Thanks so much! :)
DeleteI totally love this, your male lead has my husband's name and it freaked me out at first because he is always trying to make me watch horror movies with him and I always have to repeat how much they freak me out (but he still pesters, and still hums themes to the music sometimes just to tick me off.) That endeared me to your piece right from the get-go. It is so relatable, and I LOVE love this piece for that! And it's hot too! My favorite line was "we're just hands, lips and bodies" (OK that might have been a paraphrase) but love that visual....steamy!
ReplyDeleteVirginia #7
Oh my goodness, that is so awesome! LOL. I had a reader who didn't like that he tried to get her to watch movies that scared her. I feel vindicated! LOL. Thanks so much!
DeleteLove the interplay between humor and romance in this scene... which earns you my Color Me Red award <3
ReplyDeletexoxo,
Dahlia "The Kissing Expert"
YAY! That means a lot to me, so thank you so much!!!
DeleteAww I love the fun flirting before the actual kiss. Then you rose the heat which was great, all to be ended by Mom! The total worst. Good job!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your entry
Jamie (entry #3)
Aw, thanks! :)
DeleteOh man. The ending is awesome...in the most awful way! Ha! Really well done. I love, "Then we're both just hands, and lips, and bodies." Super hot.
ReplyDeleteAmy
(#5)
Thank you!
DeleteOoh! Totally hawt and such a bad way for it to end for the characters! I would have liked to see a bit more of what's going on in her head while all this is going on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Thanks so much, Bonnie!
DeleteDefinitely hot. Only line that pulled me out of it was: "Turning to face me, he moves his head down so we’re almost touching." What do you mean by 'almost'? Weren't they already leaning against each other? What part of their bodies did you mean in particular?
ReplyDeleteGood work!!!
Ooh, thanks! I will look into tweaking that one. :)
DeleteI love that it ends with the mom coming home! Talk about a suspense killer. My favorite line: Then we’re both just hands, and lips, and bodies.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for your comments on my entry (#12):)
Thanks so much, Shannon!
DeleteBoth cute and steamy! Great job! And I love that her mom interrupts them. :)
ReplyDeleteHee! Thank you!
DeleteWhat a surprise ending! I figured this to be an adult story, but then Mom comes home.....
ReplyDeleteLOL. I guess I should have mentioned it's a YA at the top...
DeleteI loved the line, "The angle changes the kiss, makes it deeper, more urgent." Great way to transition into more intensity. And the instant panic at the end wraps it all up nicely. Loved the scene!
ReplyDeleteMichelle (#8)
Thank you so much! :)
DeleteMom. Shit.
ReplyDeleteTotally laughed. It was kinda getting hot there for a minute. :)
Heehee! Thank you!
DeleteLarissa,
ReplyDeleteLove this. Some great passion going one before mom comes home. :)
"Mom. Shit." = Just awesome. I also really liked the banter at the beginning. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteLaura, Kiss #33, BSD #112
I would say the same thing as Shannon: I love the line about "just hands, and lips, and bodies." Like the rhythm and metaphor. Also love the ending, like everyone else. A great reminder about how a sudden irony can add such impact. Great job!
ReplyDeleteGetting walked in on by mom! Gah! Gotta hate that. She really ruined a perfectly good make-out session. This was fantastic writing and kissing! Congrats for the well-deserved award from Dahla! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMaggie #27 (Thank you for the comments you left on mine!)