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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Kissing Scene Post for CLCBSD

Here's my kissing scene from MEDITATION for the Cupid's Literary Connection Kissing Scene Competition!  Here is my entry, if you'd like to read the pitch. Enjoy!



I snuggle closer to Brian as the movie ends.  “See?  I cuddle with you during any movie,” I say.
He snorts.  “You only did that to prove a point.”  Turning to face me, he moves his head down so we’re almost touching.  “I still say you get closer to me during horror movies.”
My lips twitch at the challenge in his voice, and I lean forward, pressing my forehead to his.  “I still say I hate horror movies, and making me watch something I hate is mean.”
“That’s me, the big meanie pants,” he says, his voice low.
I nod, moving my mouth closer to his.  In a breath, his lips are on mine.  I lift my hands, one going to his neck and tangling in his hair, the other reaching under his arm to his strong back.  Our mouths move together, and his hands tighten on my shoulders.
He feels so good I lose all sense of time.  My hand flexes on his back, gripping the muscles moving under it.  He groans, and moves me, flipping my legs over his and laying me back onto the couch.
The angle changes the kiss, makes it deeper, more urgent.  I moan as he leans over me, one arm holding his weight off me.  The other hand caresses my face, then slides down my body, stopping at my waist.
My breath hitches as his hand reaches the skin at the edge of my jeans.  He slowly raises his hand under my shirt, making small circles on my stomach, then my ribcage.  The anticipation makes my heart pound.  He finally reaches my chest, softly grasping me. 
Brian breathes my name, and my stomach clenches.  Then we’re both just hands, and lips, and bodies.  I run my hands under his shirt, wanting to touch all of him.
A door slams.
“Bree?  I’m home!”
Mom. Shit. 

46 comments:

  1. Love the ending of this. I was all breathless with Bree, then. Oh shit!

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  2. Damn it, Mom! LOL. This was great. I was right in the moment!

    I'm entry #42 if you wouldn't mind taking a look.

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  3. I think this scene does a wonderful job with action. I love the bit about the angle changing the kiss. Awesome!

    There are just two very minor things I found that would really make this scene shine, I think.

    First, I stumbled over the dialogue in the first line. It's the "cuddle in to you" that throws me off. It just doesn't sound like something someone would say. I think if you just rephrased it to say something like "I told you I liked to cuddle during any movie" or along that lines it would sound a little more natural.

    I also noticed the word "moan" in there three times. Maybe rephrasing some of the sentences would allow you to cut the word out some? I do the same thing in my writing. I use the word "hand" and "eyes" like it is going out of style.

    Otherwise, I think this is an awesome scene. Like some of the other commenters, I especially like how it ended. It was a great reminder that these characters were still young.

    Thanks so much for sharing and good luck!

    -Amber (#41)
    My Kissing Scene

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the feedback! I've made some tweaks. :)

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    2. I think the tweaks made this whole piece a lot stronger. I love that he breathes her name now. Awesome stuff!

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  4. YES! I loved the descriptions and then ending, oh the ending! Brilliant!

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  5. Oooo sexy! I love the dialogue in the beginning, and I love the descriptions of Brian's muscles. Hot hot! I too, however, was jerked out of the scene by the overuse of the word 'moan.' That's an easy fix though; just word choice! :) Good job and good luck!

    Jessie (#32)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I fixed the moaning. LOL. :)

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  6. Super sexy and loved the twist at the end! Great way to escalate the tension of the scene(and add a whole new kind of tension ; )
    Good luck!! (entry #48)

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    1. Thank you, Jenny! Loved your entry! :)

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  7. I absolutely loved this one. You did an amazing job with the pacing of the scene. I was totally going "aww" at the cuteness of their opening dialogue, and then loving the building heat, and then ... argh ... Mom!!

    ( I like your name too! ;) )

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  8. Ahh I love the tension. Brought me back to my teenage years.:) Nice job!

    Rebecca #21

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  9. Darn it mom! :)

    This was well done, and what I liked best was how comfortable they seem with each other (and I'm not even talking about when things heat up). The way you write this scene, I can totally tell they've been hanging together a long time (and if not, wow did I read this wrong!)
    Great job, and best of luck!
    Melonie (kiss #29)

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    Replies
    1. Yay! You didn't read it wrong. They've been together for over a year. Thank you!

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  10. Well this is pretty hot! :)

    It was very easy to picture the scene unfolding and you have a great voice. The ending is PERFECT! Love the interruption! The only thing I'd suggest is getting rid of "I say" in the first dialogue line because, with the action tag, I don't think you need it.

    Great job and good luck!

    Jennie (#49)

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  11. I totally love this, your male lead has my husband's name and it freaked me out at first because he is always trying to make me watch horror movies with him and I always have to repeat how much they freak me out (but he still pesters, and still hums themes to the music sometimes just to tick me off.) That endeared me to your piece right from the get-go. It is so relatable, and I LOVE love this piece for that! And it's hot too! My favorite line was "we're just hands, lips and bodies" (OK that might have been a paraphrase) but love that visual....steamy!

    Virginia #7

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    1. Oh my goodness, that is so awesome! LOL. I had a reader who didn't like that he tried to get her to watch movies that scared her. I feel vindicated! LOL. Thanks so much!

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  12. Love the interplay between humor and romance in this scene... which earns you my Color Me Red award <3

    xoxo,
    Dahlia "The Kissing Expert"

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    Replies
    1. YAY! That means a lot to me, so thank you so much!!!

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  13. Aww I love the fun flirting before the actual kiss. Then you rose the heat which was great, all to be ended by Mom! The total worst. Good job!

    Good luck with your entry
    Jamie (entry #3)

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  14. Oh man. The ending is awesome...in the most awful way! Ha! Really well done. I love, "Then we're both just hands, and lips, and bodies." Super hot.
    Amy
    (#5)

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  15. Ooh! Totally hawt and such a bad way for it to end for the characters! I would have liked to see a bit more of what's going on in her head while all this is going on.

    Good luck!

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  16. Definitely hot. Only line that pulled me out of it was: "Turning to face me, he moves his head down so we’re almost touching." What do you mean by 'almost'? Weren't they already leaning against each other? What part of their bodies did you mean in particular?

    Good work!!!

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    1. Ooh, thanks! I will look into tweaking that one. :)

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  17. I love that it ends with the mom coming home! Talk about a suspense killer. My favorite line: Then we’re both just hands, and lips, and bodies.
    And thank you for your comments on my entry (#12):)

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  18. Both cute and steamy! Great job! And I love that her mom interrupts them. :)

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  19. What a surprise ending! I figured this to be an adult story, but then Mom comes home.....

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    Replies
    1. LOL. I guess I should have mentioned it's a YA at the top...

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  20. I loved the line, "The angle changes the kiss, makes it deeper, more urgent." Great way to transition into more intensity. And the instant panic at the end wraps it all up nicely. Loved the scene!
    Michelle (#8)

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  21. Mom. Shit.

    Totally laughed. It was kinda getting hot there for a minute. :)

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  22. Larissa,
    Love this. Some great passion going one before mom comes home. :)

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  23. "Mom. Shit." = Just awesome. I also really liked the banter at the beginning. Best of luck!
    Laura, Kiss #33, BSD #112

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  24. I would say the same thing as Shannon: I love the line about "just hands, and lips, and bodies." Like the rhythm and metaphor. Also love the ending, like everyone else. A great reminder about how a sudden irony can add such impact. Great job!

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  25. Getting walked in on by mom! Gah! Gotta hate that. She really ruined a perfectly good make-out session. This was fantastic writing and kissing! Congrats for the well-deserved award from Dahla! Good luck!

    Maggie #27 (Thank you for the comments you left on mine!)

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